Being an Agent for Change
I want you to specify what would be an action that you could take on. An action that you can take on that would be the kind of action that would be indicative of someone who is an agent for change. Like you're an agent for change. You've made this your thing. I'm out to reshape the landscape of this particular little patch of dirt. And it's not gonna change from them. But something amazing happens. When you change who you are it's like a miracle. They can't help but respond to you. And they're like looking at you like Spock, like ... (audience member laughs) So maybe you want to, as an agent for change maybe you're thinking "I'm gonna call my dad "more often." Or maybe as an agent for change you're going to set an occasion two times a week to have a conversation with your husband where you just listen to him and what he's got going on in his life. Or as an agent for change you're going to be authentic with your children. What is the change that's most important to you? The kind of chan...
ge that you would say is reflective of your greatest self? You're greatest you? The kind of you that you could hold yourself to account for? That you could be someone who is out to build your relationships. All right, who can give me an example of something you see you can do that would be indicative of your being an agent for change? Something, just a very simple thing. Deborah--
Call my mom twice a week.
Call my mom twice a week, very good.
Instead of telling my daughter to leave me alone, telling her to come to me. Right! So rather than tell my daughter, "leave me alone," I could use that thought, "leave me alone" as an access to me saying, flipping that thing, saying "You know what? Come here!" Does that make sense? All right, very good. What else? What would be an action you could take? Nick --
Ask "how are you today?"
You might ask how somebody's actually doing like you mean it. Like, you know, how are you doing though? I usually, when somebody asks me how I'm doing I usually say, "Terrible!"
Why? Cause I want to make sure they're listening. (audience laughs) They say, "Really?" I say, "Nah, I'm just saying that. "Let me tell you how I really am doing, "I'm awesome!" Scott --
[Audience Member Scott] Ask questions instead of making statements.
Very good! I might ask questions instead of making statements. And I notice the more I'm asking questions the more I'm kind of being conscious and being an agent for change in that relationship. That make sense? Very great. Stacy --
I tend to be nagging at my daughter so instead I'll choose something positive say something positive to her.
Very good! So you'll say something encouraging. Because she doesn't get that you love her so much you don't want her to make mistakes.
She just hears the nagging. I know! I get it. Dave --
Rather than talk about my life I could find out what my dad wants to talk about.
Right! Oh my gosh, wouldn't that be shocking. Some of you are like, your parents have lives! One of the things I did, this was like the awesome thing that happened for me. I started to ask my mom about her childhood. What was it like to be 14? And living in Glasgow at that time? And then she told me the whole time about how she met my dad, and she was only 17 but they never dated until she was 21. And it was amazing! I learned so much about her humanity. Like that she's a human being. And I've lived my whole life with this thing like she's my mom. But I got like, what would it be like for her to be or 17? And her first job and what the thoughts that were going through her head. Or when she found out she was pregnant for the first time. Like it was absurd, I just started to really relate to her humanity and it really empowered me to work with people actually, that whole process. Cause when I saw my own mom, my mom's stuckness. So, one of the internal dialogues that my mom's stuck with is that nobody really cares for her, that they don't love her. And so her life has been spent in the relentless pursuit of that. Confirming it. So anyway, the way I am now kind of messes with that a little bit. I don't care. (audience laughs) I don't care. All right, so you guys want to identify a thing that you could now take on that would be representative of you being an agent for change in relationships. All right, so. (clears throat) All seems pretty good so far, right? Hello?
All right, good.