How to Be the Best Possible Lover
(applause) So I have been looking forward to this day for a while. We're on day 20, finding love. I love teaching the five love languages. And here are my goals for today. I want to teach you the three elements of love, what makes up love. I want to show you how to be the best possible partner. When we understand love on a deeper level, we're able to be a better support and a better lover for our partner. Number three, the five love languages and I'm excited to learn about yours at home as well as here in the audience. But of course, first we have a warm up. Here in our warm up today to get our juices flowing I want us to write a love letter. So I gave everyone in my audience a pad of paper. At home, I want you to take out a pad of paper. Yes, a real pad of paper and pen. No typing allowed right now. So just take out, even if it's a Post It, I want you to get a pen and a paper. Everyone ready? So here's what I want you to do. I want you to write a love letter to someone you care about.
Don't start yet. And I want you to tell them the one thing you love about them most. The one thing. But I want you to write it with your non-dominant hand. (laughter) So switch hands. Switch hands at home. And this might mean that you only can write one word. And that's okay too. I'm gonna do it too. And I want you to write one thing, one person. Okay, ready, set, start. And you can explain out loud if you'd like how difficult it is. I don't even know how to start. At home, hopefully this is really hard. Mine looks like chicken scrawl. So here's mine, which is horrible. It's to my husband Scott and it says, I love your heart. That's the one thing I love about him most. Let me see how these are going. Some of you guys look pretty smooth. I like it. I see a whole sentence starting there. Deep concentration. So how was this exercise? When I said that out loud you were like (groans) why write it with the non-dominant hand? It wasn't as bad as I thought. I was able to get one, two, three, four, five and two short hands, so about seven words in there. So it wasn't bad. Go ahead, Van. You're doing something that's not natural to you. There we go, we're doing something that's not natural to you. So the reason why I teach this when I talk about the five love languages is because when we find out how we truly love and like to be loved trying to love with something that is not natural to us is like writing with a non-dominant hand. Trying to adopt someone else's love language, it feels so unnatural. You feel clumsy, you don't like it.. You can't express yourself as well. It is the exact same thing. So finding your authentic love language and making sure that you respect your partner's and they respect yours is like allowing them to write with their dominant hand. It's like allowing them to do what's already natural to them as opposed to asking them to write with their non-dominant hand the whole time. So here are the three elements of love before we go into love languages. One is attachment. The need to be cared for and connected to another person. And what have we learned? We already learned about attachment theory. That is the first part of love. By the way, Zick Rubin is the one whose done all the research on love. His research is beautiful. He researches love and relationships. And so attachment is the first area. We've already learned about this, the four attachment styles. Second is caring. Valuing the other person's happiness and needs as much as your own. The third is intimacy. And today, we're talking about both two and three. We're talking about caring and intimacy. Love languages are that last two steps that get us from liking to loving. Intimacy, sharing private thoughts, feelings, and desires with the other person. When you have all three of these, that is what makes up true, fulfilling, rewarding love. So how do we talk about those last two? That is with the five love languages. So the five love languages was developed by a psychologist named Dr. Gary Chapman. And this has been adapted and modified by a lot of different psychologists and they even call it sometimes the five appreciate languages. Yes, it's with romantic love but it's also just how we like to be appreciated. And this is the next level of our matrix. It's love for partners, affection for friends, and appreciation for clients. How our clients like to feel appreciated as well. This is the final ring of our matrix. Figuring out someone's love or appreciation language. It's that middle ring. And this is our skill number 23 of our 33 people skills. These are the things that highly successful people do really well. 23, love fully. Speak the language of love. Know how people show and feel affection. It's the last part of the matrix. The question is, what's your love language? How do you figure out what your love language is? In your bonus materials, I've included prompts for you to figure out what your love language is. In these prompts, I want you to do an exploratory exercise where you examine how you feel loved. Here are some examples of the prompts. How did your parents show you love growing up? What made you feel the most loved as a child? Sometimes thinking about how we felt love as a child and what made us feel love the most, that can help us tap into it. Hopefully as I'm reading them off to you one will feel really natural. But this exploratory exercise is really fun and it's great to do with a partner. When you really wanna show someone you care about them what first comes to your mind to show it? What's the first thing you think of when you wanna show someone love? I'd love to hear actually your guys' answers. When you think about showing love to someone you care about, what is it?
Service. Service, okay. Yeah, you wanna do something for them. Yeah?
I make things, so like cooking or sewing related, either way. Got it, like cooking a dinner? Yeah, or like dessert or like a snack or I'll bring them something that I've made. Got it. That's very sweet. Yeah? <v Man #2>I would tell them. Just tell them straight out? I love you, I care about you, I appreciate you. Yeah? Surprising them with a note in an unexpected place or time. Like a sticky note or a Post It or a little love letter? By the way, I do hope that you give your love letter to the person that you care about. Even though it's written poorly, they still wanna know what that one thing is. What makes you feel most cared for by your friends, family, or current partner? What do they do that makes you feel this? So when your friends do something special, what is it that makes you feel like, wow, I feel so supported. Does anyone have one of those? Actually for me it happened today. We started filming today and I got a bunch of really supportive texts from friends, but most importantly, they actually posted on Facebook for me, they went and called people they thought should tune in. And I was like, wow guys. They was so nice. Lacey and Maggie are actually here all the way from Portland helping. So that makes me feel super supported. Anything else happen recently where you felt really supported by friends and family? Yeah? I'm an acts of service girl. So, like you, having people do things before I ask or even before I even know is the greatest thing. And it makes you feel really cared for. The last one is, in past relationships, what needs were not met? What made you not feel loved? So sometimes we can know our love language by what's been missing. By looking at relationships that are unfulfilling to us. That might be the flip side of what needs have not been met. So let's go into the five love languages. Let's actually talk about them. And the way that I decided to teach these love languages was by making two different columns. On one side, we're gonna talk about how it works with a partner, a romantic partner. On the other side, we're gonna talk about how it could work professionally with colleagues, bosses, clients. So we actually see both sides of a love language. Romantic love as well as professional or social love. So we can experience it in both ways. The first love language is words of affirmation. They use their words to show love and they love to hear and be shown either through written notes or through being told how much they are cared for and appreciated. With a partner, verbal expressions of love, loving texts, notes or poems, emotional openness. What else could we say on the professional side, something that would be words of affirmation? If you knew a client really liked to hear how much you appreciate them, what could you do for them to show them that love language? Yeah? Recommendation, testimonial. Love it. Recommendation, testimonial, what else? So this is actually from your other course, recording a video and sending it to them. Okay, so deep dive into that. I love it. So I tried that on someone actually. I started working with someone and I recorded a small clip with just my phone saying how excited I am to work with them and I'm looking forward to whatever we do. Yeah, so that is an amazing way to put words, especially if you're just on e-mail it's a way of adding video... I talked about how adding a video to your professional relationships if you're doing a lot of digital communication can step up your game a lot. How adding video to your clients makes you super memorable. Yeah? So for people in the service industry or helping people with something, acknowledging their progress is really a big one there. Yes, progress, goal achievement, absolutely. So here are some of the ones I said. So expressing your appreciation, warm e-mails, recommendation letters, gratitude. I actually like yours more. I liked your guys' suggestions more. So make sure to write down what you guys said because in the ideal customer exercise that we're gonna do in a couple of days and our communication exercise we're gonna do in a couple of days those are gonna be super helpful. How to show our clients that we care about them. So expressions, warm e-mails, recommendation letters and testimonials, gratitude. Gifts, so the second love language is gifts. So this is showing that you care about someone through giving them small gifts. It's also you like to receive gifts to show that someone cares about you. Romantically, birthday, anniversary presents, really any excuse for a small present. Coming home from a trip and bringing a present. Flowers, and just thinking of you presents. I actually wonder, and we're gonna talk about doing versus gifts, you mentioned that you were making things for people. Do you think that it's the small gift part or is it the labor of love? I think it might be a combination of both. Because I pick what I'm gonna make based on what I think they need the most in that particular moment of time. So if they're having an emotionally difficult time I'm more likely to bake them something whereas if they're getting ready for a big event I'm more likely to sew something that's relevant to that. That's really cool, by the way, to do that. I think that's really, really awesome. So I like that you brought up that you might have two. So obviously, all of these things, we love receiving all five of these kinds of love. But there should be one or two, a primary or secondary, that feels like that's right for you. So I wonder if those are both your primary and secondary. We're gonna keep going and see. I actually have only one. I don't even have a secondary. There's only one that really, really resonates with me and we'll talk about that in a second. So professionally, how can you show appreciation with gifts? Professionally what kind of gifts could you give to clients, or colleagues, or bosses? Kind of a weird one. I think there's ways with me, but yeah. Free session? A free session, yeah. Free goodies, free giveaways. Yeah? I started printing off my favorite photos to give to them just so they have something physical that they weren't expecting. I love it. So actually printing out your own photos and gifting it to them. Would you do that before or after, during? After, like it's the final thank you to them. I like that. Other ideas, yeah? In a professional relationship, on their birthdays I will get them something like custom made, maybe some pens, card holder with their names because they all love seeing their names. Yeah, so you're actually triggering dopamine with your gift. That is so cool. So birthdays and holidays. Great excuses to give gifts. Especially if you know that a client loves that. Gift baskets, holiday baskets, gift baskets. Also including, if you have a product, including that or something with your name on it. Yours or theirs. A pen with your name on it or your logo put on something. Gifting that to them. And gratitude thank you presents. We talked about in the surprise section how great thank you notes can be. A thank you note in itself can be a combination of a gift and words of affirmation. Who thinks that they're gifts? Actually, I didn't ask last time, so who thinks that they are words of affirmation first? Words of affirmation, okay. And why? So you talked about how you just tell them that. How do you usually express love to friends and family? I think like writing stuff or just telling them. You're very direct with it? Yeah, and even for me, especially with clients, if they tell me this worked really well or whatever, that feels the best. So both romantically and professionally. Anyone, gifts? Yes, Allie, tell me. The ones that really stand out to me are like my friends dropping off a cappuccino, like some days literally I've been at work and they've dropped off a coffee 'cause they know that I'm having a stressful day and I'm over the moon. Right, it's not even really about the coffee, it's that they brought you something. Absolutely, that's a great way. A coffee's a great gift on both sides. I didn't even think about that. I want you to add that to the list. Let's say that you go into a client meeting and you text them ahead of time and you say hey, can I pick you up a coffee? Can I pick up lunch for you? That's a great idea for a gift for someone. Yeah? How do you know if it's gifts and that it's not acts of service because that was also an act of service. It's very closely tied. And that's what we were talking about earlier. Maybe there isn't that much of a distinction. I guess it's more about what excites you the most. Like is it getting that little coffee or is it wow, they went a half an hour out of their way to come and get it? It's what means more to you. But maybe they're hard to separate. Yeah? What if I like to give gifts but I don't necessarily appreciate getting them as much as giving them? Do you like the process of making and or buying for someone? Or is it the actual having them open the gift? Having them open the gift. And you don't like that as much yourself? No. That's very rare. So most people, they have the same love language when they give and when they receive. But it does happen where you like to give one and receive a different one. It's pretty rare. What's your other one? Do you know yet? Or are you gonna wait until we- I think I know. Okay, wait, we will have the suspense. Did I see another hand that was up? Yes. I think I'm like that as well. What's your thing? I don't care so much about receiving gifts, it's maybe more receiving service and receiving validation presents. Got it, so maybe one of the other ones we talk about will resonate with you. So it might be different for you as well. Let's talk about the third one which is acts of service. This is the one that's come up a lot. This one is definitely mine. Acts of service is when you offer to help, you complete tasks, you build, you clean, you do. It's doing something for someone else, that's how you show you care. That's also how you like to receive it. You not only do for other people but you love for them to do for you. So how do you put this in a professional environment? How would this work professionally with clients, colleagues, bosses... Yeah? I've been a blogger. I offer to guest blog. Or do something else that they really, really need. You take things off of their to-do list. You do tasks for them and for many people professionally this is like the greatest gift you can give them. It's the gift of time. It's also the gift of service. It's actually both. So here were some ideas. So offering to help, completing tasks for them, and then of course organizing, building, doing. So helping them organize an event. Sending out a Tweet for them, posting for them. Colleagues saying hey, can I help you with this project, can I work with you on this project? What are some other ways professionally? Little bit of a weird one, but I do classes and a lot of times just finishing the class five or ten minutes early is like a big deal because then people can go do whatever they need to do. They get an extra five or ten minutes. That is an act of service. In a weird way, it's an act of service 'cause you're giving them time to be able to do it. Could be quality time, but I like that one a lot. I wanna hear in your specific industry some ideas. Yeah? One of the things that I do is some of my most likable bride and grooms, for their professional work, I'll tell them like hey, this is your LinkedIn headshot. And they're not single, but if I have any single friends I'll tell them, hey, this is your Match.com headshot profile there. Or for some of my other nicer clients I will do some video promos or something like that for them because I like doing stuff like that. So this is like, brilliant. So I hope that at home you're taking notes on these ideas because this is an amazing way. You're actually taking the decision. Someone's like, I don't know how to make decisions of these photos. You're saying, this is your best headshot for LinkedIn. This is your best social media profile. This is your best dating profile. This is the one to give to your mother in law. That in itself is a huge act of service and I love the idea of doing videos as well for them. In your specific industry, 'cause I want to help people at home think of some ideas that they can do, so hopefully in your notebook you're taking notes along with what's happening with the audience, and it's inspiring things that you can do both romantically and professionally. I saw other hands go up. Yeah. So one thing in consulting that works really well that I always try and do, I try and anticipate problems that we didn't talk about and just solve it for them. So for example, like looking at their site, seeing a problem... And saying I solved this problem, here's how to solve it. Just copy and paste this code on this thing and it's done. That is the ultimate act of service. I see people who are like, yeah. Solving someone's problem for them. Not just pointing out the problem because sometimes that can mean more headache than it's worth, but Saying here's the problem, here's the answer, here's all you have to do. Wow, that would be a great way to get attention. I love it. Support and attention. So contacting a VIP, that's a great one. As well as maintaining relationship maintenance. Go ahead Leah, you had your hand up earlier. I give a lot of free feedback and just general feedback and advice and a lot of times in the beginning, people are a little bit hesitant of hiring someone to do graphic design, but through giving free advice, people usually will come back. And that's a nice combination of what we're gonna learn, words of affirmation and acts of service. 'Cause you're going through the time to think things through for them and you're taking the time to write it out. It's actually a nice combination of both. Another hand up, yeah. I was in a coaching session and the coach in the beginning said you don't need to worry about taking notes, I'll send you a report after our coaching session. And we did like a meditation where I was coming up with different things and so I was saying them, but I didn't have to worry about writing it down. And then she sent me this beautiful report of everything that we talked about afterwards. Okay, fantastic idea for an act of service. This can also happen on calls. If you're on a call, it could be an act of service to say to someone hey, don't worry about taking notes, I'll take notes for us and I'll send you the e-mail afterwards. That's a great way to get an act of service. Saying to a client in a pitch meeting hey, I'm gonna send you a full report of list afterwards. Just as you said, what a gift to them but it's actually you're doing work for them. You're giving them a gift of act of service. It's getting all kinds of ideas in my brain going, I like it. Any other ideas? These are really good. Okay, let's keep going. So fourth is physical touch. So this is a little hard in professional environments but we're going to see how it fits. So physical touch, someone who has physical touch as their love language, they show affection and love with physical touch. This can be hugs, this can be handshakes, this can be fist bumps, although I don't like fist bumps because you have so little oxytocin that you get from that, it's much better to have palm to palm, but don't get me started on fist bumps. So with a partner... Holding hands, hugs and kisses, massages, bow-chic-a-wow-wow. (laughter) Right, that's all... (laughing) I've never put that in a bullet before. (laughter) I was like, how do you even spell that? That sounds right to me. But remember, it's not just bow-chic-a-wow-wow. It's also massages, foot massages, hand massages. It's hugs and kisses, it's holding hands, it's putting your hand on the small of their back, and showing them I'm here for you. It's that physical affirmation of yes, I care about you. I am physically present. People who talk about the importance of physical touch in their life as a love language, it is that, ah, that solidness. That stability that they love when they talk about that need. Professionally, how do you do physical touch? Professionally, it's hard. Handshakes, please, I hope that we remember that we learned in the importance of handshakes. Right away, you get that physical touch in there. High fives, notice in this course I'm high fiving all the time. That's my way of showing a little bit of physical touch to everyone. Getting that oxytocin rush and being like yes, I appreciate and support you. Upper arm touch. So remember we learned the touch map on I think it was yesterday. So in the middle, intimate zone. The further up the arm you go, the more intimate the touch. So safe touch, and I put this in parenthesis because it really depends on your industry and how comfortable you are, but physical touch you can also do along the arm which is technically safe, but only if you're comfortable with it. Who thinks they're physical touch, by the way? Who thinks they're physical touch love language? Maggie, tell me it's your second. Tell me why. It's interesting because in the professional world I actually really shy away from it but definitely in the relationship and close world it can just put me at ease. I know if there's like things going on and I need reassurance or security, friends or my closest love ones like if they just hug me, I'm like okay. It calms you. That was what I was talking about. It's something about a stability, a calming. It's a very unique love language actually in that I think it's the most calming. People who have that, it stabilizes them. It brings them back down to ground. Does anyone else think it's their first or second? Yeah. It's definitely my second. A lot of high fives, a lot of, great job. You know, what we were talking about with the handshakes. I try and do the double hand thing. And you were also bodily kinesthetic intelligent, right? Yeah. Tied, absolutely tied. You think in terms of body. You're aware of other peoples' body. Having that physical presence, it's how you show appreciation, it's how you think. It's both. That's very interesting. Last one is quality time. So people who their love language is quality time, they just want to spend time together. They wanna feel that you are fully present, that you're with them. And it's quality as well as sometimes quantity. My dad, so I learned a lot about my dad when I learned the five love languages, my dad always is like, let's just hang out. Let's just hang out and watch TV and talk. He just wants to hang out a lot. And for me, I'm always like, why? Can we go do something? I never got it until I read about love languages and I was like oh, his love language is quality time so the way that he wants to spend time and how he feels cared about is spending the whole day together. So for his birthday, that's what he wants. He could care less about gifts. I would spend all this time growing up making him the most elaborate Christmas gifts. I would like weave a basket of like wreaths and like paint it with multiple colors. He'd be like, my office? Should I put it in my office? And I'd be like, meh. And it was because that was just not his love language. He would much rather sit with me all day, hang out and watch football. So that was a big one for me in learning how he likes to feel loved and how I was just missing the mark. Right, so I also felt like I put all this time and energy into his gifts 'cause mine is acts of service, so I would like make him something typically, and it was like a labor of love but he would rather me just sat with him the whole day as opposed to slaving away in the kitchen making him a rosemary jam 'cause he likes rosemary. So that was a big learning for me as well. So with our partners, time unplugged. More and more when we talk about quality time as a love language, we're hearing about phone interruptions, computer interruptions, texting. It's affecting the quality part of quality time. You could go on a date with someone you care about. A friend, or a partner, or a colleague. And while you're constantly checking your phone, you're like, they don't care about me. It's quality time, they're not even really with me. Half of their brain is somewhere else. So time unplugged. And that's one of those questions that I actually have you ask your partner in the 22 questions every couple should ask is if you are quality time as your first or second, what does quality mean to you? Does that mean completely unplugged? Does that mean that we can watch a movie together or is that not quality enough? Does it have to actually be fully engaged with no other distractions? Can it include other people? What does that quality time exactly mean? It also could be alone time with just the two of you. Does it involve other people? With friends, I have a good friend of mine back in Los Angeles, a home friend, and for her, she is absolutely quality time. I kept going down to LA, I don't live in LA anymore, and I'd like see all my friends, so exciting. She called me one time and she was so upset. She's like I feel like I just never see you. And I was like, I see you every time I come back to LA. But when I realized was she wasn't getting her quality time. It wasn't the one on one time. Even though I was spending four hours with her out, she wanted the one on one time. I was like, I get it. I totally get it. I just never even thought about it but it was the alone time that was important for her. Trips and car rides also work really great for quality time. Experiencing things together. Especially if they're an experience value language. You have a partner who very highly values fun and exciting experiences and they also love quality time, the best way you can show appreciation and love is going on adventures with them. That's the absolute best thing you can do for them. Professionally, what are ways we can do quality time? This one shouldn't be too hard. What are ways you can show quality time in the business environment? Yeah. Going to coffee with them. Yeah, meetings, quality meetings. Where you're really with them, you engage them. Free consults, we talked about earlier. I think that also kind of fits in the quality time one. Giving them your time for free and saying yes, I'm totally engaged with you. So lunches, dinners, drinks. Coming in early or late. So if you are in a work environment where you have a boss or colleague and they are quality time, then seeing you in the office early and late. You're literally saying I appreciate this job so much that I am giving my time to it. So that's a way that you can show quality time to a boss or to a colleague. Offering time, flat out saying yes, I'll give you a free consult. If you ever need to pick my brain, feel free to come into my office. If you wanna give me a call this weekend, I'll give you a little bit of time. Happy to talk about anything you want. So that's literally giving them the option of time to offer support. Who thinks they're quality time? Oh, a lot of people. Kim, tell me about it. Tell me about why you think you're quality time. Because with people who are important to me, I don't need to see them everyday. But I need to know that when we are spending time together we're just really connected, just one on one. So it has to be one on one for you? Yeah. And do you have a preferred method or place or does it not even matter? It doesn't really matter. As long as it's quality time. Exactly. Okay, who else said they were quality time. There were a lot of people who raised their hands. Yeah, Erica. I am incredibly protective of the time when I go back to Michigan to visit my family. The minute we have a lot of other things that we have to go meet people, I'm very protective. I need to just be with them. And we can just hang out at the house, it's no big deal. Okay, so this is a hugely important thing. If you have a partner who is quality time or a friend who is quality time, did you hear how she said "I'm incredibly protective of the time"? This is when you have miscommunications. And I was in a relationship where this was a miscommunication all the time. Where he'd be like, I don't wanna do anything this weekend and I was like, why not? Really what he wanted was he wanted a protected quality time weekend. What I heard was, you don't really wanna hang out, you're being apathetic, you're not really engaging. That was not the case at all. In fact, it was the opposite. He wanted to engage on a quality time level. We just didn't have the right language to be able to communicate that way. And I saw you raised your hand for quality time. Are you also quality time? Yes, I'm quality time. Is it primary or secondary? Primary, definitely. My dad's the same way. He pretty much tells me he doesn't want any gifts. He just wants his girls to be hanging out with him, so. He just wants to see you, I love it. So how to use the love languages ties into what I was just saying. Asking for what you need. We are afraid, or don't even think to ask for what we need because we assume that people know it. When we know how we appreciate and feel loved, we know what to ask for as opposed to setting up what I call secret tests. Secret tests are things in relationships where you're like, we'll see if he wants to spend time with me on my birthday. We'll see if she remembers that important thing I have. It's these secret tests that we set up for the other person. We don't even really consciously realize we're doing it but we're afraid to ask because we wanna see if they'll meet the need. That's setting us up for failure. Because when you do that... They can't mind read. And you're going, constantly, is it gonna happen? Am I worth it, am I worth it? Do they really think I'm worth it? Are they gonna remember it? Yeah. I had a friend who said that in her relationship she was now asking for what she needed, which were surprises. Which kind of ruin the element of surprise. Was he or she still able to be surprised even though they asked? More or less, but less in the quantity or quality of the surprise because she knew that at some point a surprise was coming. I think it's still better to ask. Don't you think it's still- yes, yes, yes, tell me. I dated a guy who had all these secret tests and i thought everything was going great until he broke up with me and he's like here's the list of all the things you didn't do. And I was like, well I had no idea. This was happening beneath the surface. And it was so frustrating. Because I thought I was in this kind of relationship and actually there was all this other stuff that I had no clue about. You were actually on a completely different page and there was a whole list of things that you were doing wrong just by being, right? Yeah, not fun. Yeah, and so asking for what we need, it makes it so we prevent resentment. So resentment happens when we know we need something but we're afraid to ask for it or we set it up as a test of worthiness. Yes, tell me. So that's great if you're saying something like I just wanna spend time with you. But if your love language is gifts, how do you like... Oh, could you please bring me a gift? And I'm literally just meaning like a croissant or something that lets me know you were thinking about me while you were out, but you're still basically saying bring me a gift. Twofold, I love this question. Thank you for asking. So twofold, first showing them this lesson and being like, what's yours? Here's mine, it's gifts. Really, gifts? What do you mean, like big gifts? No, you know what, I know it sounds crazy but when my friends bring me a coffee or a croissant, it's like the easiest way to make me feel so happy. It just fulfills me, makes me feel loved. Just hearing that, telling him that. And you can blame it on this course. I'll show him this segment. You'll show him the segment, hello, we're here! (laughter) And also, the second part of that is when it happens, saying how grateful you are for it. Like when someone does something for me, a friend, or my husband, or a parent, I feel so fulfilled. I mean literally I feel so emotionally supported. I take extra time to tell them that was like the best thing you could've done for me. Like, I felt so loved and so supported by you, thank you. So showing gratitude when the need, the love language is met. That's the second part of that. Yeah, yeah. I think the other thing to remember is that at first maybe if you're making that request, at first the exchange might seem canned or like they don't really mean it, or awkward. But as time goes by, they're gonna keep doing that and it's not gonna be awkward. It's just like part of who you are then. So at first it might be weird, but it gets better. Yeah, and the very few times it's been weird, and I do this with friends too, when I meet someone, probably like fix or six times after we've gotten together if I feel like it's a good relationship, I will flat out ask them what do you think your love language is? I mean, I literally ask them. I'm like here are the five love languages. Which one resonates with you? I actually ask them that. And we have a fantastic conversation. It's very rarely awkward. The only time it's awkward is when someone can't figure it out and I'm like, can I help you figure it out? Can I do things and we can see which one you like the best? Again, we are actually triggering dopamine when we do this. When you're asking someone how they wanna be loved and you're talking about how you wanna be loved, that is a way that we make our brains fill with pleasure. It's also a conversational pinata. Talking about love languages, bring that up at a party, you'll be talking about it for at least a half an hour. It is a conversational pinata topic. People are very fascinated and they love hearing. What'd you learn? Oh, really? Hmm, what am I? What is my mom? Gosh, my previous relationship. It brings up a ton of cool, interesting conversation. So asking for what you need. Right now, I want you to think about and I want you to write in your workbook, what is one way you need more love, support, or appreciation? In your life, professionally, romantically, socially, what is one way that you feel like you need more love or support? They cannot read your mind. So unless you are married to a psychic, I want you to go tell them. One of my challenges will be to go tell someone what you need more of. You can blame it on this lesson if you want. Second how to use a love language, giving before being asked. So it's thinking about, anticipating your clients', your colleagues', your partner's needs before they even have to ask you for them. That is the ultimate in validation and empathy. Thinking through gosh, in the past with a client I wrote them a really great e-mail about how much I loved working with them and the next day they called me to tell me how happy they were about it, how happy they were to get that e-mail. I'm gonna make sure I set a calender reminder to do that once a month. Just to check-in with them to do it. So thinking about past experiences, what's made someone light up, how can you bring that light again? How can you find their spark, light their fire? Going back to segment five. That's another aspect of lighting someone's spark. What is one way you could give more love, support, or appreciation? Now I also want you to write down what is that one way that you could give more? Does anyone have any ideas about that, by the way? What is one way you could give more love and support to someone in your life? Surprise them, light their spark a little bit? Professional or romantic? Yeah? Just thinking about the quality time one and just turning off all the devices when I get home. Don't answer the phone or anything like that when we're having dinner, that kind of thing. What a wonderful gift to be able to come home and be like I am fully here with you. It also fills your love bucket as well. Right, if you're not distracted by your devices? I really like that action step. And the last way that we use love languages is knowing how to repair. So yes, we want to feel loved, that's why we wanna ask for it. And yes, we wanna give love that way. We wanna do it before being asked. But let's say you're in a relationship. Maybe it's a riser, maybe it's intimate, where there's something that hasn't been going so great. There's something that hasn't been going so well. Giving them their true love language is a way that you can repair those bonds. Going back to the basics. At their core, how do they feel most loved and appreciated? It can repair any damage that's been done in the past. So maybe I want you to consider reaching out to a friend and seeing who needs to hear your support, love, or appreciation. Is there someone in your life who maybe you could repair a little bit to reach out to them, just show them that you're there for them? I want you to fill out the matrix for you, your intimates, and your riser. I want you to put in their love language in their middle circle, what you think their first and secondary love language is I want you to fill out those matrixes for them. This is the final level for the matrix. In action... Supporting your partner, working with colleagues, supporting friends, dealing with parents... Even in-laws. In-laws, too. You're getting a new family and so you need to see sometimes families have different ways of doing things and different ways of expressing and appreciating love. So it also works in new families as well. Here's what's coming up. We are moving into our business section. Successful communication, which is day 21, is sort of the bridge between love and business. You need successful communication for both obviously. But it's our nice bridge. We're gonna talk a little bit about communication in couples and with partners and we're also gonna talk about communication in business as well. So that's segment 21. We're gonna be talking about what to say to get your way, 360 degree effective communication, and how to successfully deal with anyone. In brand personality, we're gonna talk about how to reach your ideal customer, the psychology of branding, the science of what makes a personal brand, and how to create avid fans, your tribe, your people. Challenge for today, I want you to confirm your love language. We have all the love languages tests at scienceofpeople.com/PQ. You could also send it to your friends and family. Ask them to see what their love languages are. I want you to confirm your partner, friend, and parent. And I want you to schedule to re-watch this at the start of a relationship or to re-boot an existing one. Do you wanna do a little love check-in around Valentine's Day? Do you wanna watch this at the start of a new relationship to just check in and make sure that your needs are being met and that you're meeting the needs of your partners? So let's talk about, of course there's some extra credit prompts in your workbook, I also wanna ask what is the most important thing we learned today? Tell me on Twitter, @Vvanedwards or hashtag "people skills". I wanna know what your a-ha moment was. And I also wanna hear from three of you. What was your a-ha moment? Lace, yeah? I like the idea of complimenting the love language with the attachment style, to play on that. They're absolutely essential because of the three elements of love. You can't leave attachment style without having caring and intimacy with your love languages. Yeah. I love applying it to your client and business relationships. So that way you can kind of show appreciation but also, like, attract certain new customers. Yeah, the right kind of ideal customer. Terry, yeah. I definitely had an a-ha moment when I realized that, like my wife, she would be gifts definitely as the first 'cause she's always buying stuff. What I'm referring to is like our kids, our boys. The older two, they already moved out. But mine is definitely quality time 'cause when we go to visit them, she wants to take them to a nice dinner or something but I would much rather play cards, board games, go bowling, that kind of stuff. That's what makes me really feel in touch with them. And knowing that, knowing the differences, knowing okay, that's how she needs to feel loved, that's okay, but you also wanna make sure that your needs are met too. And I wonder what your boys are, what their love languages are. So meeting everyone's needs and making that okay. Making sure no one feels gypped on a love language. So thank you guys today for being so open and transparent. I can't wait to hear how it works when you're talking to a partner and friends. I want more ideas about how to do this with your clients. More ideas about how you can show and appreciate love languages in professional settings. Let's keep having those ideas out in the open. I wanna hear them on Twitter. Definitely, we're looking forward to hearing those. And don't forget, you can have the workbook. This comes as a purchase bonus. I do recommend that you have this. It's never too late in any segment to click and download this so that you have it at your fingertips. Thank you for joining us in this segment. We'll see you back in the next one. (applause)