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How to Develop Self-Confidence

Lesson 5 from: How to Break the Habit of Self-Doubt and Build Real Confidence

Mel Robbins

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Lesson Info

5. How to Develop Self-Confidence

Mel discusses the confidence competency loop: when you try something new, you will either succeed or survive. Both success AND failure show you how to develop self-confidence.
Next Lesson: The 5 Second Rule

Lesson Info

How to Develop Self-Confidence

So, how do you build it? So, there's been a tremendous amount of research about confidence, and how you build it. I know we all want more of it, but how do you build it? So, all of the research points to this, something called the Confidence Competency Loop. And I'm gonna show it to you in just a second. The Confidence Competency Loop. Anybody wanna take a guess at what that means? No worry, there's no stupid answers, go for it. Preparation? Yep, preparation. Good, anybody else? Shout it out. Practice. Practice, what else, yes? Consistency. Consistency, anyone else? Failure. Fail-- Excellent. I didn't hear it. She said failure. See, 'cause, what happens in life, is that when you try something new, imposter syndrome, right? So let's build on the imposter syndrome. You try something new, and all of you, this is a new chapter. When I see that kind of witchery, voodoo stuff happen and I walk into a hotel and I get a sign like that, it's like for all of us. (audience chu...

ckles) When you try something new, 'cause I want you to step into that imposter syndrome. I want you to embrace it, it's a good thing. When you try something new, you're going to be terrified. You're going to be nervous. That's normal. You're either going to succeed or you'll survive. 'Cause even if you fail, you're all still sitting here so you're not dead. So, whatever it is that you've gone through, you've survived it. And just like I told you that, you know, look, I had a talk show deal seven years ago that basically went, what's that sort of thing? Brrrrrr, I can't do it. I'm gonna learn how to roll my Rs today. Um, I learned something from that. And we cognitively know this. And see, this is the challenge with these kind of topics. They're heady. We know these things, but how do you get this in your bones? You've had a million people, "Oh, try until you fail." "Oh, failure's a good thing." You know, like, we all say it, it's all over my Instagram feed. It's like, you gotta see it, but how do you get it in you bones? Well, you understand that when you succeed or survive, you learn something. Right? And then when you learn something, you're building a skill. This is just like, remember how in the very beginning of the course, I said I'm gonna teach you how to run you as the equipment. When you first picked up a camera, it was overwhelming. You probably shot some really horrible photos. When you first used Photoshop, when you first did any kind of editing, when you shot your first video. Terrible. When I look at the stuff that I did, just, you know, last year, horrible compared to what we're doin' now. Mortifying that 10 million people have seen that TED Talk. Seriously. Because it's not what I would consider to be my good work, not anymore, because I've built so much more competency. Right? So, when you build skills, you gain competency. And what's interesting is, the more that you master something, whether it's cold-calling, or it's a selling process, or it's negotiating and walking away from deals where they won't pay you $4,000. The more that you gain competency, the lower your anxiety drops. The more your nerves drop, the more your doubt drops 'cause you're learning it. And so, what ends up happening when you have competency is now you've got confidence. Pretty cool, right? So, we talk about this stuff, but understanding that this is only way to build it. You can't think your way to it, and I know a lot of us in the personal development space talk a lot about mindset, and we're gonna get into that. But it doesn't start with mindset. And this is what I want to pound into your brains. Yes, thinking positive helps a lot. But confidence and self-doubt, they really, breaking the cycle starts with action. That's what it starts with. You cannot positively think your way through the kind of emotional angst that Hector's putting himself through, not gonna work. But if he sees himself acting differently, he's gonna change. That's why this is my definition for confidence. It's the decision to try. You just saw in that model, when you try, you succeed or survive. You then learn something. As you learn something, you build skills. As you build skills, you gain competency. And that's what gives you confidence. It all begins with the willingness to try. That's where it begins. And so, if I can teach you to do anything, it's to understand that. It's to understand that in those moments, in those moments where the emotions rise up, the feelings rise up, you feel yourself shrinking, that you know you have a choice. And confidence comes to those people that decide to try in that moment. 'Cause you always have a choice about what you're gonna do.

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Ratings and Reviews

Michal Levi

Let me start by saying I bought a book of hers and could not get through it. I just tuned in live today out of curiosity.. with low expectations. BUT WOW. THIS WAS FANTASTIC! As someone who teaches professionally (and has won teaching awards), I have to say I was in AWE of what a great teacher she was. Also, while she is not a licensed therapist, which some have complained about, she is so gifted in this area. WOW she has a talent! Watching her with individuals from the audience was moving, informative and inspirational! UTTERLY AWESOME! Truly glad I took the time just in case there was any value to it. THERE WAS IN FACT A LOT OF VALUE! Thanks Mel! Hey, I may even try to pick up that book of yours again. BRAVO!

Go2 Norway

Wow! The science-behind-typical-human-behaviors that fuel self-doubt AND clear ways to understand how to acknowledge those, and move into confidence-through-action. Easy and interesting ways to remember the points! Marvelous presenter skills -- a real model, and inspiration. Actual coaching sessions within the class to make it real. Mel is totally herself, and vulnerabilities become her strength in real-time, which class participants also lived out in real-time as well. Very memorable. And, the explanation of anxiety as a high energy state matching excitement more than calm was significant, as well as the myths about confidence (such as confidence is not about a personality; rather, action). Well organized, made sense, and I will integrate multiple parts daily! THANKS, MEL!!!

Wild Flower Murals

I'm training to be a life coach and have been a public muralist for years. I've been researching creativity, self initiated empowerment and positive psychology from various angles for many years- in hopes to make it accessible to many. I initially came across Mel's book and was wholly impressed by how effective yet simple the 5-4-3-2-1 book was. I am so glad I took this course, it is the best of the best of the best!!!

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