Why Do We Need People Skills?
I want to show you how to speak so people will listen. I want to show you how to build fulfilling and nourishing relationships on that I cannot wait to see you guys shine. So this all comes down to my favorite quote about people skills, how I like to kick off off the course. Theodore Roosevelt says the most important single ingredient in the formula for success is knowing how to get along with people. It makes everything easier, and people skills touches so many areas of our life. So from getting hired to being in a committed relationship to working on a team, to parenting Children, talking on the phone to dealing with the boss or client, how many we've ever had to deal with anything in that column? Yes, and writing an email, leading people building friendships facing a meeting because you should ace all your meetings, attending a party and connecting online. Yes, yeah, people skills just touches every single area. So I thought we'd get down to What do I mean when I say people skills, ...
What exactly is that? So people skills, also known as often called interpersonal intelligence, soft skills, social intelligence, social skills. P Q. Emotion, intelligence. In this course, I'm gonna be free to it a lot As P. Q. Are people intelligence The flip side of like you the people smarts to book smarts and the real definition of people skills is being able to interact, understand and communicate effectively with all the people in our lives when that's professionally, romantically or socially. Now here, the four things that I think that people skills give you among many things. But it allows us to be likeable without having to be people pleasers. It allows us to be assertive and direct with our opinions without being aggressive. We can be open and candid without creating resentment with the people that were with. And lastly, it helps us be influential as opposed to manipulative. We can increase our impact in an authentic way. So there are three different aspects to people skills, and this is kind of how I'm gonna break up the course. So first you have the self What? How do you tick? What makes you work? What is your personality type? Then we're gonna talk about reading others. So what makes them tick? What are their values? One of their motivations. How did they like to communicate? And then we're gonna put them together for the interaction, the building, the relationship, us and them and both of us feeling like we're respected. And to do this I've created 33 different people skills. So these are the people skills that highly successful people know and use a little bit about me and what makes us different. So I'm Vanessa. I run the science of people. It's a human behavior research lab in Portland, Oregon, and we study science based evil skills. What makes people do what they dio and we have, Ah, very unique way of teaching people skills. And I think that one of the reasons why this resonates with so many people around the world we have the most incredible students is because of a secret sauce. Whenever I say secret sauce, I want to say, with an Italian accent like a secret. It's like I like, I find it every Italian watching. I won't do that anymore. I'm done with the horrible Italian accent. So my secret sauce, the first ingredient is it? Everything we teach is science based. I believe that if we're going to actually make behavior change. We have to know It works and it has to be backed up in research backed peer review journals, academic institutions, science. So a little bit about what went into this course. So this course is eight years in the making. Been collecting research on this for eight years. We have over 1400 studies. They make up this course I counted last night. We have over 2000 slides. You get to the end, of course. All days over 286 books, and we've gone back through years of people research. So looking back to see over the decades, what if we found would have been proven wrong. What has been proven right? And we've had four amazing research interns that signs evil helping me gather this data. The second aspect of what makes our special sauce is that it's applicable. There are tons of people, skills, courses and books out there, and I've read all of them. I need all the help I can get on. I found that a lot of them were very interesting, well written, informative. But after a few days, nothing really changed or I would read it and not know how to use it, not know how to apply in my life. So the second most important part of our course is making sure that it's actionable and applicable for you. But everything we teach, you know exactly how to use it, and you can use it right away. The second way that we make this course applicable as I talk about riel people in your life who you're dealing with and I want to share the hierarchy of relationships, how we break down the level of relationships and people in our life. So the very top ourselves at the next level is what we call our intimate. It's This is one, maybe two people who are incredibly close to you. It could be a partner. It could be a best friend. It's someone who knows you incredibly well and you know them incredibly well. And as we're filling this out in your workbook, I have ah blank one for you. Want you to fill out the people in your life who fall on each level. The next level we have our personal group. Our personal relationships, thes air are close friends, siblings family members, people who are part of our support system that we see on a regular basis that we enjoy spending time with next, our social connections. So these are people who we see on a regular basis. We see them out. That could be colleagues you have there in your calendar a lot. You might have mutual friends. Then we get to the two bottom levels acquaintances and strangers, people that we don't know as well. So what I want you to do is fill out at least one person for each category toe. Really think about the real people in your life. These are the reason that you're taking this course yourself and all those relationships with you. And then I want you to do one more thing. I want you to pick a riser. A riser is someone in your life who you wanna level up. You wanna build a deeper connection? It could be a client you want to go deeper with. Could be a spouse. You just want to really build that relationship. Could be a friend or a friend of a friend or an old friend. It's someone who you really want to go deeper with this course, We're gonna be keeping them top of mind because I want to give you the skills to be able to connect with them. In that way, I want to give you this third part of my secret sauce. And that is anti boring, So I do not leg boring. I know. I know that your time is precious, right? 30 days, a lot of time. So I want to make sure that everything I dio is informative. I want, you know, laugh. I want you to be entertained. I wanted to be inspired. My greatest wish is that you can't wait to get home and tow. Watch your our segment. We're like, I gotta watch it during lunch. I gotta watch it before breakfast. I want to entertain you as well as inspire you as well as teach you. So I want to share a little bit about why I do this work. I am a recovering, awkward person. So I shared in my last course that there was a long time, especially in elementary school, high school and part of college, where people situations made me incredibly uncomfortable. And because I was uncomfortable, I got really awkward. And it was this terrible feedback loop where my discomfort was more awkward. And then I was more uncomfortable, so I was plagued by people struggles. Looking back, I know exactly what was wrong at the time, I didn't. Looking back, I had an incredibly hard time establishing rapport with people. When I first met them, I just didn't know how to connect. I had a ton of miscommunications with friends, with teachers, with parents. I did not know how to communicate effectively. I also know that I left a very bad first impression because I was so uncomfortable and so awkward. I felt uncomfortable being myself, and I think that that made people uncomfortable. So in that moment I decided I needed to start studying people. That is when I decided to take my first psychology class. That's when I started to turn to the research. That was the only thing that I knew that could possibly fix it. I found this study, and it was this study that actually started me on my path to realizing that maybe there's some science or some learning that I could do to change things. It's done by Naomi Eisenberg U C l a. What she found was it in the brain, physical pain and social pain are the same, meaning that when we feel left out or when someone speaks badly about us or we feel rejected. The part of the brain lights up is the same as if we got punched in the face or kicked in the gut or cut on the arm. And that was like a light bulb. I was like, That is why it hurts so much that fear of rejection is what makes me so afraid of what makes me so awkward. I also started to learn how connection nourishes us. The connection makes us better humans. And so Dr Thomas Lewis found that we rely on connections to others for our own emotional stability and happiness. And when we lack closeness, we don't have those nourishing relationships. We have lower life satisfaction were unhappy with all our entire life. Everything our career, our spouse, our money, our relationships. We have increased loneliness. Loneliness is a really, really hard feeling, right. There's a really dark place and we have decreased immune function. The fact that our connections could actually change our body, they could change our physiology. Now we talk a lot about that a lot in the power bi language course, but I didn't know that relationships could also changes. And I've been trying to explore that relationship for many years, which is what we're teaching in this course. Now I wanna bust a couple of myths, hear about people skills before we get too deep into the science, which is that people skills don't matter. He will tell me A. It's a soft skill. It doesn't matter. So it's my job today to convince you otherwise. The science successful people skills make you more successful in every year of your life, so investing in your people skills is investing in your career, growth, your financial success and your happiness for the rest of your life. I believe the number was that people who are higher in people skills make an average of $29,000 more per year. That is a huge difference that people skills really is the glue of success, and we're gonna talk about this in three different areas. Professionally collaboration, dealing with clients, colleagues, networking and pitching. Your idea. Selling yourself, selling your talent, selling your service socially making awesome first impressions, friendships, small talk, memorability and influence in social settings. And, of course, a little bit of love romantically with the relationships building attraction, finding connection and building loving, nourishing relationships. Myth number To my people, skills are awesome. I don't need any help, so I'm sure your people skills are awesome. But here's a finding that we found 96% of people rate their peak You as higher than it actually is. Miss number three. Are you just going to teach me how to be an extrovert? So a lot of people think, and unfortunately, a lot of experts out there who teach people skills they do just teach you how to be expert. That is absolutely not what this course is about. Hi, people. Skills is not about being an extrovert. I want to show you how to design your unique brand of charisma. This could be a quiet power. This could be a bubbly extrovert. This could be a strong leader. I want you to design exactly how you want to come across, and that does not mean being an extrovert or being outgoing. That's a big myth that I hope we can bust in this course. Now let me talk about a little bit of science around charisma. So research found that what makes up charisma is two factors that people who are high in warmth and high incompetence has to be both also rank high in charisma. So what does that mean exactly? If we take warmth by itself, You're sweet, but not powerful. Your compassionate. But you're not competent. You're relatable, but you're not impressive. But if you take competence by itself, you're smart. But you're not approachable. You're dependable, but you're not collaborative. You have difficulty in teams your important, but you're not seen as kind. It's the perfect mix of warmth and confidence that makes someone charismatic, and you conduce that in a way that feels natural to you. So for this course, we're going to be focusing on this level of the quadrant. So let's get started on our first peek. You skill. This is peak you skill number one, which is endeavor to discover as an expert in people, which you will be by the end of the course. The more you uncover, the more you will discover. And the reason why this is number one is because we have toe want to know about people and forgive me while I get corny, but I want us to be the Sherlock Holmes of people. I want us to be the Christopher Columbus of humanity. I want us to be the Nancy Drew of relationships in which everyone relates to you the best. That's the mentality I want us to harness. And the reason for that is because typically we think about relationships. We think about them and our interactions like a big black box. So it's this big black box and we meet someone and we think, Do they like me? Do I like them? What should I say? How do I make a connection? How do I end this conversation, right? Were like trying to figure things out the whole time or interaction. So what I found was this pattern. It's a very different way to interact that every human is made up of five parts. At our very core, we have two main parts. It's our intelligence and our values. Our intelligence is our talents and our skills. There are nine different kinds of intelligence that were discovered by Dr Howard Gardner on the other side of our core. We have our values. There are nine different value languages, the value languages are how we make decision, how we know what motivates us. They help us see what drives people at our inner core. On the next level, we have our love languages or our appreciation languages. And there are five love languages are love. Languages are how we express our core. It's how we express our values and our talents to the world. It's also how we feel appreciated, how we feel our talents and our value. Languages have worth on the very outer ring. We have five different personality traits, and researchers found that there are five different parts of our personality that we can very accurately predict. It's called the five Factor model, and they are openness, conscientiousness, extra version, agreeableness and neuroticism. Neuroticism is the is the hard one. When we know this about people, I call this the Human Matrix. The pretty version. The non drawed version is right here, and like this shape, when I look at it like kind of gives me tingles, skies like it's it's really it's It's like a little baby. It's really, It's We worked so hard to simplify all of the people science into something that is digestible that could be done instantly. When you first meet someone, when you are given this shape, it is like being given the formula toe a really difficult math problem that you've been trying to solve your entire life. It changes the way that you interact with people and the entire course is going to be focused on building this out and teaching you how to read it. And I can't wait to dig out. All your human matrix matrices are harnessing intelligence. We each have a unique intelligence and set of talents. This is right here. So we're starting right at our core. Dr. Howard Gardner is the one who developed the theory of multiple intelligence and what he decided is that I Q is not enough. I Q doesn't say enough about us. Our s a t scores. They don't talk about riel intelligence. So he started to do research on the different types of intelligence, and he found that there are nine different ways that we're smart. So what? I want us to dio cause I'm gonna teach you these nine different intelligences. And what's gonna happen is as I'm teaching and you're gonna be like, That's not me, That's not me. And they're gonna see when you're gonna be like, Oh, that's me. That is totally me. That's all me. So this is your primary and secondary intelligence. Each of us have a primary of first intelligence that really feels like us, and one that kind of feels like us. Now, of course, we have basic intelligence and all of them. Even if you're not a linguistic or verbal intelligence person, you can still speak. That just might not be the top of mind. So here are nine different intelligences. This gives us a new kind of I. Q Number one is logical. Mathematical, logical mathematical. Their skills are in reasoning, calculating and solving problems. Their awareness is, they think, conceptually abstract Lee and are able to see and explore patterns. They love to experiment and solve puzzles and untangle riddles, and they learn through logic, games, investigations and mysteries. Next, one musical auditory. So the musical auditory intelligence their skills are they understand rhythm, tune and sound. They have an awareness where they love music, lyrics, rhyming and multidimensional acoustics. They're the people who, like, walk into a room, and they're like, Wow, the acoustics are so good in here. Yes, I love the acoustics. I'm like what, Like it's a room. I don't see it. I'm not. I'm not really a musical. Auditory intelligence. Their method is they have an ear for beats. They might use musical instruments or music technology. They learn through hearing, listening and composition. All right, number three, visual, spatial visual, spatial skills, geometry, visual patterns and spatial recognition. They are very aware of their environment, shapes and physical space. They loved to draw and do puzzles. They read maps, and they love engaging in visual imagery. They learned through drawings, verbal physical imagery. And they love graphics, charts, photographs, drawings, three d modeling video and face to face interaction. I bet you we have a lot of visual spatial people watching whose visual spatial who feel like this is them. A lot of people. All right, lead. Tell me about that. Uh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, Yes, right. You're like, Oh, yeah. That is totally, totally me. I know we have a lot of photographers watching, and they have an amazing ability for composition, color and setting right that their brain actually thinks that way. Number four. Bodily kinesthetic, bodily kinesthetic. Their skills. Or they understand how to use the body effectively. From dancers to surgeons, the triathletes to chiropractors. They have a keen body awareness, and they understand movement in a very different way. Their method is they like to make things touch. Remember Clint objects. They want hands on experience. They also continue Klay, communicate and read body language very well. They learn through acting out role playing hands on learning, and they like practice or trial and error. They always want to try it right. You tell them. So when they're like give me an action step, give me a challenge. This is one of my learning styles, which is one of the reasons why informative people skills just weren't enough for me. All right. Five. Linguistic so linguistic They use words effectively with highly developed speaking and communication skills. Their awareness is they like to read, play word games and make up poetry or stories. Their method is they love lectures, speakers and are typically very good at foreign languages. They learn through discussion, debate and re teaching. What do I mean by re teaching? So people who have a high linguistic intelligence, sometimes they actually need to explain it to someone else before they themselves get it. So if you are working with clients or you're working with people and you don't understand why they're constantly regurgitating your words, that you, it might be because they're trying to re teach to process, that's how they themselves get it. One of the reasons that one of the things that makes these intelligence so powerful that helps us communicate people with people on their level. It helps understand. Ah, they're a visual learner. I need to bring more diagrams, charts and graphs. Ah, they're not mathematical. Even though I am, I needed toned down the science. I need to tone down the numbers. I need to do more hands on experience, right? It's you adapting the way that you share and also respecting their boundaries. So it's really powerful for both sides. All right, interpersonal is number six. Hint into. This is a big part of this course, so interpersonal skills they understand and interact with others well, they typically have many friends, high levels of empathy and what's called street smarts right there. Good with people. Their method is they love building relationships, teamwork and collaboration. That's how they learn best they learn through interaction, group activities or dialogues. So the great thing about interpersonal intelligence is if your loan interpersonal intelligence, this course absolutely can help, cause we're gonna cover the basics from the ground up. But if you're already very high interpersonal intelligence, I'm gonna keep teach you new skills that will help you leverage that tells you already have, which is so much fun. Seven. Intra personal interpersonal. Their skills are they understand their own interests and goals. They're very in tune with their inner feelings, their intuition and their self motivation. They have a strong sense of will so big willpower, and they're very introspective. They learn best when their independence, their independent learners. I like to internalize information before accepting it as truth so they might hear something or learn something, but they need time to actually take it in. Process it in their own head, naturalistic. So intelligence eight and nine are the most controversial. So Gardner argue, there were only seven intelligences, but there's been a lot of research his son after his original studies, and they have added just a little contentious. But I wanted to teach all nine but naturalistic and spiritually, or the last one so naturalistic. Intelligence is people who love being outside. They can read weather, earth patterns and the natural environment. Their awareness, like trackers or botanists or wilderness guides or gardeners. They feel more at home in the natural world. They're interested in nurturing, exploring and learning about the world around them constantly. Always they want, explore their environment there, adventurers and they learn on location. They're the ones who like they bend down in the dirt. They're like, Oh, hi, Seoul firm like and like Oh, right, so the naturalistic loners they love experimenting with their environment. The last one is the most rare and is spiritual so spiritually they have skills with morality, have very high morals, their humble and their gracious. They have so much gratitude. Their awareness is they have a higher purpose, and they always put others needs before them. They love to help people around them, and they have very little self interest. They learned through teaching, helping and giving back. Mother Teresa, I think, is the ultimate spiritual intelligence, right? The humility that she had to just give back. That's the way that she contributed. That's the way that she learned was through giving. And so what I wanted to do is in your workbook. I have your blank matrix. This is waiting for you to fill up. I want you to put right in the core your primary and secondary intelligence. If you're not sure if you want to confirm it with our intelligence test later, that's fine. Put it in pencil in ways that you can always erase it later, I think is fascinating to look at what you thought you were or when you what you aspire to be, and see if that's different from what actually happens on the test. Right to see the differences. The reason why this helps us. It helps us on two parts. Others, when we know other people's intelligences were able to search for and recognize their value, we meet someone we want to know what is your talent. It also that helps us understand them and leverage marinate intelligence, whether that's with a client or a colleague or a child or a spouse. If you know where their skill set is, you can leverage it for help or collaboration or teamwork. How about ourselves? So knowing our own intelligence that helps us know our strengths helps us leverage our intelligence. What kind of projects do we do best on what kind of relationships fulfill us? And lastly, that helps us build faster connections. If we know exactly what we need and how we like to do things, it helps us speed up that first level of connection. So talking about connection, we are about to talk about the path to connection. So reading the Matrix, understanding our own matrix, it takes a couple of different people skills. The way that I've decided teach it is by breaking up the path to connection into five steps and every single step, we're gonna learn the skills that we need. We're gonna slowly uncover layers of the matrix, and I'll build you up to the skills you need. So at the end of every segment, I am going to give you a challenge. This is a big part of what makes this course actionable. So here is your challenge for a day. I'm gonna give you two. I want you to take your P Q test. Test your current people skills, see how they rank. I also want you to confirm your intelligence type. So the meat part of today the nutrition that we had today was learning the nine different kinds of intelligence. And I love that we were guessing and thinking What's our primary and what's are secondary? I want you to go on a waiting to confirm it with our tests. All the tests are for free on science of people dot com slash p. Q. I have them outlined by the day. We have a bunch of tests and quizzes you have coming up. Once you confirm your intelligence, I want you to write it into your matrix primary and secondary. The last thing that we're gonna end on every day after our challenge is that I want to solidify your learning. So one of things that takes are learning to the next level making it really solid in our head is taking just a few minutes to write it down. So science has found that writing access is a different area of our brain, so committing what we learned to writing for even 30 seconds increases retention. So, in your workbook, what I've done is at the end of every section, I have your challenges for the day as well as a section for you to write. What was the most important thing I learned today?