How to Light Up a Room
all right. Welcome to day nine. How to be the highlight. So today we have three goals. I want to show you how toe light up a room, right? That is one of the hardest people skills toe have. And that's what today is all about. We'll also talk about the art of genuine charm. Charms sometimes gets a negative wrap, right? Charming. It can sound sort of slimy. So I want to teach you how to genuinely use charm. And lastly, I want to show you how to be socially attractive. What does that mean? To be attractive socially. But first we have a warm up, as always, to get our juices flowing. So today it is a question, and I want us to talk about We're going to talk about a lot about positivity today. What is the moment that you are most proud of? This brings us into the next level for fracking. So we've talked about the hook. The first impression we've talked about how to make an emotional deposit with someone, how to feel like we're exchanging emotion, emotions back and forth. And now we're talking...
about how to dig deeper. And yesterday we talked about vulnerabilities. So today is talking about how toe light them up. First, I want to tell you a quick story, and this is the story of Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone. So Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone were running for prime minister in the UK in the 18 hundreds, and it was a big race. It was extremely close and extremely competitive. And while they were on the campaign trail, they both decided to take the same young reporter out to lunch. And I took her out to lunch and they had these great, you know, discussions. And after both of the lunches, all the journalists asked her. So who are you gonna vote for after having lunch with both of these powerful men? Who is the one who should be prime minister? And here's what she said after sitting next to Mr Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest person in England. After sitting next to Mr Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest person in England. Can you guess who won the election? It was Benjamin Disraeli because he knew a secret, And that secret is that if you want to impress people, you should let them impress you, not try to impress them, which is a very different way of going about interactive people. We think about all the ways we can be oppressive and razzle dazzle people. But actually, when you can let them and press you when you can let them be the highlight. So you are there, highlighter. You become more impressive. You become more memorable and this is skill number 14. So we're learning people skills in this course and skill number 14 is all about being a highlighter. Help people be the best version of themselves. I love this quote by Abraham Lincoln, which is everything we're talking about today. Those who look for the bad and people will surely find it. This course is about looking for the good in people. We only have one single day on human vampires. Those people who take every other day is about how awesome people are because most people are awesome. They have so much to give and connecting with them makes us feel better. It makes them feel better, makes the world a better place. So we're all about looking for the good in people and the way that we do. This is the first way, is starting on a high. It's all about being a highlighter, and we're going to start on a high. So here's what I want us to do whenever we're interacting with people that could be on the phone in emails with networking events, parties, dates, pitching clients. I want us to avoid starting on the negative. So many times we hear people say things like, Oh, terrible traffic getting here bad. Whether the food is gross, I'm so stressed it couldn't find parking. I got lost on the way here, right? We don't even think about it. But we start with sort of these negative comments we don't realize. Actually, it's starting on a low. So what I want to do is always think about what is the positive here. What positive can I start on? So, gosh, it was so easy getting here. The weather is awesome outside. You see how beautiful it was? The food is delicious. What an end to a great day being at this event. What a cool Then you what a great group of people. What is the positive thing that you can start on these work? Great as conversation starters, they can either be your starter or they could be your second comment, right? Starting on a high. This also trains our brains to go into optimism, which we're gonna talk about in a little bit. All right, so here's my ninja tip. One awesome way you can start on a high is to always be the introducer. I want you to be a master introducer. It's one of the most overlooked things in people skills, because when you are the introducer, you get to be a raver. You get to rave about the person that you are introducing. Now. Of course, you only want to do this when it's genuine, authentic. But hopefully you're hanging around people who are authentic. Here's how introductions usually go. John Meat, Ash, Ash me, John, right? That's it. The usually go kind of boring. What I like to do is I like to rave about the people who I'm with, especially cause I usually have amazing people around me. So instead, you could say John, meet the wonderful Ash. He's a very talented in demand architect. I feel lucky to know, or Ashby. John John is an amazing pastry chef his cakes are to die for. I want you to excel at introducing people. And this is a very authentic way to start on a high because you're a You're bragging about someone you love, and it gives them framework for knowing this person. So you're actually giving them more information, so it helps them as well. That's a really easy little ninja tip on how to start on a high second, keeping it high. So we've started on a high. How do you keep that interaction with those positive dopamine triggers flowing right? Treating that pleasure neuro chemical in the brain The way that we do this is by avoiding spontaneous trait, transparent, transparent, so spontaneous trait. Transference is a very interesting thing that happens when we talk about other people. So we've all heard from our mothers and from school. They say, Don't gossip, don't gossip, Don't criticize. There's actually a very interesting and important scientific principle about why this is so important. So spontaneous trade transference happens when you talk about someone, no matter what you say about them automatically comes back onto you. So they found over and over again when someone sitting the lab and saying, Oh, my competitors, er, terrible toe work with lazy. They have terrible pictures. Even though the other person consciously knows you're talking about the other person. They put bad to work with lazy, terrible photos on to you. They cannot help but associate what comes out of your mouth with what you say. Sorry, what comes out of your mouth with who you are? We just cannot help. It's the way our brains work. So even though consciously doesn't happen later when we're calling you, we can usually remember what you said about someone else. And it happens totally, unconsciously, so we want to avoid at all cost. No Bassett, no criticizing, no judging. Especially we're talking about competitive or other colleagues at work. This is hugely important, you know, saying what? How someone else's work on a job was if you didn't like it very much or another partner, I always will say, You know, I plead the fifth or I'm just not sure just saying that that's honest. What, you're being transparent. You're like, you know, I still have to make up my mind. I'd rather plead the fifth. That is much better than getting into the nitty gritty with them, and you can say, You know, if you really want ah to talk to them, you should go talk to him yourself about it, Leo Aikman says. You can tell more about a person by what he says about others. Then you can can buy what others say about him, and that is absolutely true. We judge character not about what other people say about them, but about what you say what you say about others. And that's one of the reasons. Another reason why introducing people being a raver is so important, cause if you're talking an honest, authentic way about all the awesome qualities that your friends have, you share those qualities with them harnessing optimism. So today is all about harnessing optimism, and I want to talk a little bit about what it does in the brain. So when we go into optimism and typically when you look at the brain, there's like negative, neutral, afraid and optimistic or happy kind. If you had to simplify it, that's sort of how the brain works. When the brain is on optimism, a couple different things happen. First, it changes our cognitive abilities, so when were negative or were in fear mode, and we're gonna learn about this and segment 13 our cognitive ability. Cognitive abilities cannot function and fire properly. So when we're in optimism at networking events, when we're high, when we're in a client meeting and we're starting on a high and and being really positive, we actually are thinking more quickly because we have more of our brain. Our neural pathways are free for us to use them. We also spurs open mindedness, so this is a great way for ourselves to get ourselves. Moreover, my it's also a great way for our colleagues and our clients to get into the yes mentality, its exact what we want. And it also. Of course, I talked about releases more dopamine, which makes us feel pleasure, reward and happiness. The third way to use Teoh embrace our be a highlighter is to use the pig Malian effect, so the pig Malian effect is based on a myth. It's named after a myth off a man named Pygmalion who made a beautiful statue of a woman, and he started to fall in love with his statue. It was so beautiful what he made but he fell in love with it. And in the end of the myth, the statue comes to life. They fall in love and they get married. So the pig Malian effect is when you expect good things, good things come to life. Let me explain how this works. So the pig Malian effect they've repeated over and over again is that if you tell students that they are top performers at random, you pick a bunch of random students. You say you're a top performer, your top performer. Those students will actually start becoming top performers. They will perform better when you tell them their top students. So way that we use the pig Malian effect is we need to expect the best from people. When we expect the best, they act even better. Giving genuine compliments is a great way to use the pig Malian effect. When you introduce someone, you give them a genuine comment. They actually live up to that and using positive labels. OK, so I want you to go tell them in your workbook I want you to write down. I have space for you to write down who is doing something awesome. It could be business, professional or social, and I want you to find a way to tell them. Tell them how awesome they are and tell them. Here's why. Listening out the specific things. Now, this just remind our online audience. Vanessa. What part of the World Book? Yes. So we are in segment nine. Be the highlight, and you can start on the second page of be of of segment nine. That is where we're at. I love it. What are some ways you can offer? What are some ways that you can use the pig mailing effect? Expect the best from people, give genuine compliments and use positive labels. All right. So number four how to be a highlighter is used the offer mentality. So most of us, when we approach interactions with people we think What can you do for me? We can't help it, right? We want to fulfill our needs. We want to go up Basil's hierarchy of needs. Which we learned we want to see. What can you do for me? How can you help me? How could you meet all my needs? What? I want to suggest something different, which is not what you could do for me. It's what can I do for you? It's switched me from scarcity into abundance. When we think about what can people do for me? There's not enough to go around these air. My competitors. What do I need? How can they help? It's all scarcity because you're you're fighting for research. Resource is, your brain is like I need, I need, I need, I need, I need That's a scarcity mentality cause it means it implies that you don't have enough by thinking about how can you offer? You have plenty fact. You have so much that you want to help others, it switches you into the abundant mentality, which is a much better way to connect. So I want to talk about a couple ways that we can use. The offer mentality and this works in business was also works in social situation as well. Advice is one of the best ways you can give the offer mentality, but if you meet someone who is struggling in some way advice, just saying, I'm here for you, I got it as opposed to Yeah, I don't care what's going on with you. Let me tell you what's going with me? Your stress. Let me tell you how stressed I am, right. But instead saying I'm here. I got you the rock technique, which we learned two segments Go. Segment six is one of the best ways that you can be in the offer mentality. Peaster saying I want to rephrase your ideas. I want to use your words. I want to check in with you. All right. So what are some ways in your business that you can offer Now? I want you to pull out your calendar that we talked about for the next 30 days on. I want you to look at events you have coming up. What is something that you can offer at a specific meeting? Events pitch meeting, client meeting, job interview. What is the way that you can offer? It might just be emotional support, or it could be offering. Hey, I want to feature you. What is the way that you can offer emotional support? So I want to turn to your partner and right in your calendar and you have at home you have. You know, when you pull out your calendar and I want you to write in below each of your events coming up. What you have to offer. What is your abundant mentality before you go into that event? Okay, in action, you can use these in e mails, right? Having the offer mentality on the phone dates. It's a great to have the often tell the abundant mentality, as opposed to scarcity mentality, client meetings, parenting and family. Sometimes we forget, but there is enough to go around with family, and sometimes the best way to this engage a difficult person is toe offer were in talks with difficult people in the human vampire site section Segment 25 of course, networking. So coming up, we're diving into the personality matrix. We're about to go up a step. Guys cheer for that. So we're about to go into wear about to go into bonding. Okay, The next level on the path to connection. We're getting really close to be able to read that whole human matrix. So the personality matrix about finding out how other people see you it's about understanding how people work and learning the secrets of personality authorizing interaction. We're going to learn what makes people tick. That's Day two of bonding. We're gonna design your personality toe what you want it to be And I'm gonna show you how to be your best self That is authentically you all right? The challenge for today. I want you to go tell someone how awesome they are, right? Go tell them how much they rock. That is part of the offer mentality. I also want you to see how and where you can offer in the next days. So I want to finish your calendars, not just the next two or three events go through the next three days. Look at your events and right in what is your offer mentality before your people interactions?