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Lesson Info

Create Spark

all right. We are on day five, and today is all about creating spark. So you've got that person in the room. You captivated them with attention. Now, how do you create that spark that makes them really want to connect more deeply with you? So here are my three goals for today. I want to show you how to increase your impact on the people you're speaking with. I also want to teach you the one trait that makes it irresistible. And there is one trait that is absolutely irresistible. Others. And then I want to show you how to never be boring again. I want to show you how to unleash that inner rock star diva. So you are never boring, dull or unengaged disengaged. Yeah. All right. So let's start with a warm up. So today are warm up is a question I want to ask you. Where could you use more confidence? Actually, want everyone to answer this very briefly. Where in your life could you use a confidence boost at home? I wanted to go into your workbook and answer this prompt to think about weird. Co...

uld you use a little bit up? Where could you level up. So this sets the stage for us because we need to know exactly who you want to connect with on the path to connection right where and why you need this confidence. So we have finally reached almost the next step of deposit. Today we're gonna finally go into deposits. So our hook is our first impression captivating attention. The next level of of connection is doing our emotional deposits. So if you think of people like a bank account, you want to make emotional deposits in their bank account and you want to receive emotional deposits in yours from them. We've learned the power of intention triggering dopamine and how stories can captivate our audience. And now we're about to talk about spark, and that starts with you. So we're gonna start with your spark, and then we're gonna talk about finding other people spark. So here's how the light and find your fire. But first I want to talk about some confidence. Science. So Howard Friedman did a very clever research experiment where he wanted to see if confidence is contagious, if we can spread our confidence. So what he did is he brought in students, and he pulled them to test their confidence levels. And he found high confidence, individuals and low confidence individuals. Then he gave them a mood test he wanted to see. Are you sad today? Happy, irritated, depressed to see what their current mood Waas. Then he put them into a room. Ah, high confidence person and a low confidence person in a room together but wouldn't allow them to speak. So basically would both walk into the room and they had to stand and they had to stare at each other for two minutes. They couldn't say anything. They couldn't touch each other. They couldn't use body language. All they had to do with stand in the room and look at each other. He wanted to know. Would the mood transfer even beyond words? What he found was fascinating. He found that the high confidence group infected the low confidence group, and this was both with good and bad moods. So this means that a high confidence person, whether they're in a bad mood or good mood, they can walk into a room and not even talk to anyone and infect others with their mood. That's like crazy, powerful stuff that you could transfer your mood to someone else just by looking at them. Emotions are contagious. So one of the reasons why in this section I focus on lighting your fire is because I want your contagiousness to be positive. I want you to transfer positive energy and not negative energy, that that's what makes you feel good around you. When you have a good mood and you transfer to them, they end up feeling your good mood. And so you both share that emotion. Emotions are contagious, and this is our skill number seven. So this is our seventh of the 33 people skills that highly effective people know how to harness their contagious confidence. They make their confidence contagious with non verbal, verbal and mental spark. And today I hope I can light your spark now confident body language doesn't just make you look powerful. It also changes the way that you feel, and this is one of my favorite parts about body language. That's about both looking confident and feeling confident. This totally changes the way that we think about hormones and our feelings and body language. The way we look changes how we feel and how we feel changes how we look. So I want to teach you the difference in low power body language and high power body language. Low power body language happens when we contract our body. It's like we're deflating like we're a balloon. That's like we roll our shoulders in. We usually hang our head low. Oftentimes we cross our hands over our torso, our chest. We often cross our legs tightly. When we're in this pose, our body produces cortisol, which makes us feel stressed. Actually, anyone do it for much longer, which makes us feel stressed and makes us think more slowly. High power potty language is a little bit different. So high power body language is when we're expansive. It's only claim territory, actually. Want everyone to stand up. Please. We're going to get our testosterone pumping. All right, so I want you to expand your body. I want you to roll your shoulders back, put your hands on your hips, make that Superman pose. If you really want it, you can even do a little bit of Ah, anyone? Yeah, like those big power poses. So standing like this, if your head high your arms out your chest out. This makes you produce testosterone is you get a hormone that makes you feel like you can conquer the world was exactly what I want. Now, I don't want you to walk into business meetings like this, okay? That is not what I'm saying. I mean, it might work for you, Jason. You have people like yes. Welcome to my gym. Welcome to Jim. I'm here. Uh, that is great, but there is a spectrum, and the spectrum is high. Power is great for before you walk in somewhere low power we want avoid at all costs, the ideal is somewhere between. So I want us to take that down just a notch, and we're going to go into what I call a launch stance. So this is a much subtler version of our power pose. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna keep our arms nice and loose. We're gonna have our hope, our torso open, we're gonna have our shoulders down and back and our head up. You know, it's a little like it's a little bit like you're wearing a cape. So when we forget what our launch stance is, I want you to envision an imaginary cape at home. I want you standing. I want you with your shoulders back. I want you to envision to keep get a towel from your bathroom and tie it around your neck. And that's your cape. So whenever you forget what that launch stances I wanted to envision wearing a cape and for the rest of the class, you could actually put this cape on the back of your chairs to remind you that you're that little superhero. Body language gives us what we need to feel to find our spark as well as puts us in control of our emotions. So I have everyone power pose no matter where I go, I pose with Mickey Mouse. This is Michelle Ward. I was on set with her and I had her poser before taking the stage. We have readers submit power poses from all over the world. This is Maria and Liliana in front of the Miami skyline. We had one of our readers sent pictures. He power pose in front of every monument in Rome, and he said that this is him in front of ST Peter's Cathedral. This is the Carlyle family. They turned their Christmas card into a power posing bonanza, which I love, where each of them took a superhero. This is the popular popcorn team with a power posing their popcorn. So what I want you to do is I want you to pre power pose before you walk in anywhere before anyone sees you cause a little socially aggressive. I want you to get that testosterone flowing. You can also slyly pre power pose. Here's the problem. Most people tell me, Vanessa, I don't use low power, but I don't. I don't ever do this. However, this checking our phone is very similar to low power body language. We have our arms tightly across our body. There in front of us. We roll our shoulders and we Ducar head so we don't realize before walking to networking event or a meeting or a date. If we're checking our phone were actually producing cortisol, which is making us feel even more stressed. So checking your phone checking like Vince or you could bring a newspaper. Whenever I'm speaking, I usually bring a newspaper, gets a nice, easy way to power pose before doing anything and not checking my phone or checking it out. All right, This also works extremely well. If you do a lot of cold calling. If you're doing a lot of phone conversations, you can actually power pose while on the phone, and that translates into your voice. Not only does it help you feel more confident they can actually perceive it as well, so I like everyone to do what I call a success routine. So if you are about to go toe event, a meeting, a conference, a networking event, a date, how do you get yourself in that mental zone? Let's say that you minimise your toxic calendar events from segment to, but you still have a couple events you have to go to, and you might have to survive through them. Here's what you can do to get yourself that success routine in your workbook. I have a long list of activities that you conduce to pump yourself up here. A couple things that I put on there here, a couple things you can dio pumped up playlists, build a playlist that gets you going. Rocky music. A little bit of Britney. Whatever music kind of gets you pumped up, you can listen to either on a driver while you're getting ready. This is great for audio musical learners, people who are audio musical intelligence. This is the best way to pump yourself up. You can phone a friend, So if you have a supporter friend in your interpersonal intelligence, ah, great way to do this is to leverage a really good supporter. You can watch inspiring videos or court or quotes. So at science people dot com slash inspiring, I have my favorite inspiring videos. You can watch to get yourself into that good mindset. So I have all my favorite honor that I post to kind of get your selfish with your visual. That's a great way to tap into someone else's story to fill your own inspiration. You can also use our superhero activity lists. So in your bonuses, I have a superhero activity list. I'm broken this down into while you're getting ready for the day for the week and for the month. These are all activities that you conduce reflection questions, activities, music, Youkilis into to get ready and get yourself pumped up and increase your confidence depending on what you're doing. And that's in your bonuses. All right, we talked about finding your spark. Now it's time to talk about finding their spark. So hopefully your contained your confidence is contagious, and that will go into the person or talking with. But how else can you light someone's fire on? We have officially now moved on to the deposit section of the path to connection how to make emotional deposits into other people's bank accounts so they feel like they're receiving from you and that you are receiving back from them. This leads us to our skill. Number eight bi curious. And this comes from the deal, the famous Dale Carnegie, an amazing people person who wrote how to win friends and influence people. To be interested, you have to be interesting on this kind of is counterintuitive. We don't usually think that to be interesting. You have to be interested. We usually think to be interesting. We better be really interesting. You better be intelligent and fascinating. But actually, the best way to be interesting is to be interested. So the first way that you be interested to be interesting because people are like, How do you do that? How do you actually apply that is to be a master questioner. I want us to be experts and asking the right questions. Now. We already started this. We talked about killer conversation starters. So the myth is to be seen it interesting and intelligent. You have to be interesting and intelligent. That's actually not true. The truth is, the right questions make you interesting and intelligent, and we know this from ELISA experience. All right, a couple special note here on questions. First of all, it's quality questions, not quantity questions. Now this is a problem that I have when I like to interrogate people with questions because I have a little bit of a fear of silence. So it's quality questions, not quantity questions. And also it's very important to listen to their answer right. We're not just asking question for the sake of asking questions. We're asking questions to actually get to know them better and to not necessarily think about your next question, what it's gonna be. But to really listen to their answer and say, Wow, what interests me about that? What do I really genuinely want to know next? This is when conversations start to flow, where you take them to the next level. We're gonna talk about that specifically in the next segment. So the second thing that we dio to harness our curiosity is what I call the law of addition. So the law of additions when you ask yourself, how can I add to this person, situation, idea or project? How can I be an adder and not a subtract? Er the way that we do this is we ask more how and why questions as opposed to what? And one questions we ask questions that solicit deeper responses. For example, instead of where your front, Where you from. Question is, Why do you love your hometown? Or instead of what brings you here? How do you know the host so going and transferring our questions? Being an expert questioner to get those questions that really untapped something Where because we're the Christopher Columbus of humanity over the Nancy Drew of relationships, we want to find that question that unlocks them. That gives us Maura about them that taps into their values, and the other way that we do. This is called the yes and Mentality, So the yes and mentality is actually a principle that's taught by second city, second city of an improv group in Chicago. And they have one rule that when you come on stage, you always have tohave the yes and mentality, which means that whatever is put in front of you, whatever is said, you say yes and you add to it, right. You take it and you say yes, I'm gonna run with it. I'm gonna ask Interesting question. I'm gonna tell a story. I'm going to see how I can add more value to what is being said now. In real life, we can't always blindly angry with people. And so that's OK. The caveat to this is the no. But so if you don't agree with someone, that's OK. You can say no, but and offered alternative circle back to them. Find of common interest. We're gonna learn about the like radar. And I think segment 14 which is finding a like again, going back to being an adder. So people who add they ask interesting questions. They ask how and why questions More than what? And one questions They tell stories and they induce positive memories. People who subtract, they criticize, they complain they disagree. They gossip. They scope the room for someone better to talk to, right? Those are subtract er's and I don't want anyone in this course to be is a tractor. We're all good movie ADDers. So in action, this works amazingly on phone calls and email. If you're trying to bond with someone over email, the best way to do that with a potential client is to be an adder asking interesting questions, telling stories, trying to induce positive memories, asking the how and why questions posed for what one questions. That's what gets your responses. That's what makes you memorable. That's what makes cold pitching a lot easier. And, of course, you can use that meetings, events, parties and conferences. So what's coming up next? Officially, we're in the deposit tomorrow. We're talking about the art of conversation, so taking our levels to the next level, mastering the art of small talk and how to engage someone's that we can connect except seven day seven. It is a surprise. I'm gonna teach you the best kept secret for socially successful people. So our challenges today to put everything together is to put together your success routine. I want you to look at your activity list on what you look, Your success. Routine your workbook and pick out. What are your favorite things to do based on your intelligence. Then I want you to think about what your next big thing is on your calendar. Could be in the next 30 days. Could be a wedding in the next few months. It could be a public speaking event, and I want you to think about how can you remember to re watch this to harness that law of addition? And the most irresistible quality is curiosity. Curiosity makes us irresistible. That's what makes us interesting. And lastly, I want you to practice curiosity and here's how I want you to do it, cause it could be a little scary at first to practice the law of addition in person. So what you can do is go on, and I am with an old friend. This is how I practice Law Edition. I am Facebook chat, G chat old friend, and start trying to ask more how and why questions try to use the law of addition. The nice thing about Chad is it gives you a little bit of time to think about your answers. It's actually a great way to connect. Whenever I do this with old friends, it's amazing what I discover with them. I'll go down these rabbit holes where I find out things they've been doing as opposed to just what's been going on. How have you been? I have these robust conversations on chat. We end up talking on the phone and then meeting in person so you can practice on what I am and then phone and then in person. But you can start to slow in your workbook. I have detailed instructions of how you can do that on chat. You want to sort of take it slow.