How to Challenge Your Patterns
I challenge you first to step up and participate. Sam, you're doing such a great job by the way with your, if that's your area of development you want right, Sam's been amazing today. He got up and was teapotting, he's been participating, so you are doing a great job in terms of leaning into an area that is important to you. Fantastic. And I challenged Christine, you shared and I wanted to make sure you didn't feel like I'm, no good deed goes unpunished, I didn't want that to be your experience. So I have to be really careful about how I challenge or interrupt you, right? Because I don't want you to be like, dang, Chris being so harsh on me, right? How did it feel? Did it feel harsh at all? How's it feeling to be coached?
I mean it felt good, you were just making me reassess like my own interpretation of Sam.
Is there anything if you thought about it that I was doing that made my challenging of you palatable?
I think maybe I was just like caught a little bit off guard by it but t...
hen it was like a good thing too because it made me know like, okay so I do understand and in the future, like you obviously gave good coaching advice.
Aw thank you. And so what you might notice, 'cause she's in it, she might not even notice how I did it, it just was happening to her. Did you notice anything I didn't challenging her that made it work you think? Observers, or were you guys thinking about lunch? Or cheeseburgers or whatever? (chuckling)
You verbalized what you were doing. You're like, "So I'm gonna stop you here and say this," like explaining yourself while you were doing it rather than just being like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa," you know what I'm saying?
You ever had a doctor like say, okay, I wanna pull the back of your shirt up, I'm gonna put a stethoscope on your back, it's gonna be cold, I'm gonna just have you breathe for a minute and then that's all I need you to do, right or hey, they're giving you a shot, it's like you're gonna feel a little prick for a couple of seconds, it might be a little sore afterwards. They're setting an expectation, they're explaining themselves instead of just doing it.
Absolutely. Also think about my tone in your tone as you do it. If you have the right emotional energy, they'll feel that. They won't even know that you're doing it, they'll just, it'll feel good and okay versus if you come with the wrong energy, they'll be like whoa, 'cause our limbic system is nonverbal, it's non-linguistic but it reacts quick. Powerfully. Alright, so replace old pattern with new design pattern. So your pattern we wanna replace is going on too long, when you get in your head and feel like it's not enough. Alright, you doubt yourself and then it comes out in your words. And it'd be best when it's co-designed. I would like to figure out for you, in your words, what is the pattern you're interrupting and the pattern you're replacing. I might give you some fundamentals or some frameworks but I want that new pattern to be you actually write it out and say it out and we used your words and your design, I'm just making sure it's a good enough design, yeah? We didn't really get into that but that's the next step. That's what we would've done. So an example of challenging, you hear a lot, is with negative self-talk, okay. If you're coaching people and helping people, people really talk badly about themselves. Can someone help me read the bubbles 'cause my voice? Who will read the client bubble and who will read the coach bubble? This is the client bubble first.
I'll read the client.
Client and then will you do coach, Scott?
Okay, client go ahead.
I'm such an idiot! I missed the project deadline.
Let's pause. You're not an idiot. What do you think is the source of all that negative self-talk?
I was bullied a lot in school. I got called "idiot" all the time.
How can you restate that in a way that's compassionate, humble and true?
Well...I've been working really hard and I missed the deadline. I think I need to ask for more time or re-prioritize my other work.
Great so obviously a canned example. It's not like a video of real people talking but the idea there is you can see, we interrupted the pattern here, yeah? Ooh, I went like that. Let's figure out what's going on and then let's give her a new pattern of how to speak about herself in a way that's more constructive. Right? So it can be as simple as that and you might have to then teach them what you're doing and help them understand, here's your old pattern, here's your new pattern and then make them practice the new pattern with specific words. So you might wanna name what the patterns are, okay. So here's basically, the quick model. This is a really simple model. It has so much nuance to it but it helps you know, by breaking in to chunks for you, what you're doing. As a coach, you're helping identify the pattern. That's the chunking and zooming. What's actually happening? You interrupt it, ask questions. And you get to find the pattern source. Where's it coming from? What's, what are the drivers? And then design a new approach with them, yeah? I want you to write down one part of the model you wanna focus on to get better at. You might have been doing this stuff unconsciously. What's one part of the model that's really gonna matter to you? Will someone share theirs? The one part of the model that they need to focus on focus on they think?
I think designing a new approach is the most open-ended for me and probably needs, would be a good place to focus.
Cool. Big thing to designing your approach is you don't have to do all the designing like we talked about and it can evolve over time. You design an approach, it doesn't quite work, let's tweak it. And you can also steal approaches from the greater world out there. Lot of people have figured things out, right? So more models means you might be able to have more power in designing approaches. But you're right, it's very open-ended, very flexible. Okay so, specificity is...
Yes! Specificity is...
Alright good job. That was a, I think a three outta ten you guys. As a group, can we just do it one more time, try to get to like an eight? Specificity is...
Power! (laughing) Good. So you wanna interrupt with grace. And if you break it, replace it. So, if you break someone's pattern, help them figure out what the new pattern's gonna be. We saw with the model of the brain, old patterns don't go away. So you have to have something new. You can't just break a pattern, it doesn't work like that. You have to build a new one. Energy wants to flow on a circuit or a channel. So the idea is, you have to give it a new channel to flow on, which is a neural circuit, that's energy right? The electrical current, it needs something to flow on.